Identity
I’ve been trying to come up with the words for this for some time. It’s not always easy to write what you think, because you don’t quite know your own thoughts yet, or you’re afraid to write them down. I feel like that sometimes.
I love The Big Bang Theory. It is one of my favorite shows. But I’ve felt as the seasons have gone on that the characters, once interesting and fresh, have become stale. This is an issue of time. When they debuted, the only thing to judge them against was other characters. They were different then. But now, you can judge them against themselves, and in many ways they have become (Sheldon in particular) facsimiles of their original selves. No longer socially awkward geniuses, they feel like average people who happen to be smart, with a socially stunted friend who treats them as inferiors and whose lack of growth has left him like a statue in their otherwise moving lives. It is a sad thing to see.
This issue isn’t isolated to characters either, because in essence, we are characters. When we talk to other people, they don’t see our whole selves. To do so would be overwhelming for all parties involved. They see a picture of who you are, presented as a moving, full-color talkie, and you are now playing a character based on the entirety of your being. But these characters you play are, in their own little ways, different to different people, with differing levels of intimacy, and different movements and attributes and histories. As these worlds collide over time, and the internal logic of your own characters’ narratives are judged against each other, and even more insidiously against the narratives of the other versions of you, you develop into a crashing, disruptive state, where you can either consolidate to one (the characters becoming the “real” you), or you can allow things to continue full bore, open to all. you become in essence nothing more than what Sheldon Cooper is now, a sad and tired facsimile of yourself.
There is a lot of talk about true-heartedness, and being true to yourself, but which version of yourself should you be true to? And when? Most people are not one person, but a collection of perceived persons who flit in and out of actions with others, and talk sometimes with each other over coffee. It’s why such a thing as cognitive dissonance can exist. If anything, cognitive dissonance is your own judgment of one self against another, because of your own inability to recognize that you have been anything less than true.
I worry sometimes about this, as I struggle to write what I think. Because my thoughts are in flux, between selves, passed between conversations, and formulating, flying in the air. I worry about being true, and honest, because I often don’t know who I am. Rather, I don’t know which me I am. The scientist, the writer, the video game lover, the reader, the jokester, the dramatist, or nothing more than the sad old friend who could never grow. If someone can tell me which, I’d greatly appreciate it.
